And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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