Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Randomize
