plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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