one two three fourrrrnication!
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize