True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
