It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
