saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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