The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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