SEEEEXXX PLEASE
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
