Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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