How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
