This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
