please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
