I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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