So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Randomize
