I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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