when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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