I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize