her vagine was all disorganized.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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