god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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