so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
only if we run a train.
done.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
In other news, I just burned my penis
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
