I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
