He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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