there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
