i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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