She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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