someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
She swung at the pinata with crutches
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize