There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
