apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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