I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
