fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
