if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Just cropdusted the office
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
