I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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