my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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