Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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