Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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