is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
