Im at strip club and am horny
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
You're a waste of cheezeits
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
