you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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