I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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