my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
