even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
