Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
