on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Can you bring me the toilet please
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
