I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
