i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
