Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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