my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize