i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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