Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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