I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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