OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
