So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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