she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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