Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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