Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
