You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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