it wasn't lemon gatorade
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize