One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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