My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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