There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
